New Semester, New Path

and I've kinda mapped out my life for the next two years on a spreadsheet. I say two because I've decided to major in computer science as well. I really only feel challenged in this subject and I think college should be something like that... an experience where you don't just absorb information, but you are forced to really think. Hell, I might even throw in a music minor as well since I've got the time. I'm extremely excited about my academic future, and I can't wait for my books to arrive (especially since I spent 220 dollars on 3 of them).

Finals

So I only have one official final during finals week: computer science. This class is the hardest of my course load and probably the only one that I have to really work in. Right now, my head is packed with algorithms, coding, and running time analysis. When I look around, all I see are objects as code, or situations that can be solved by designing a program. It's pretty sick and my mind needs some rest.

Ever have those ups and downs?

Those feelings that one moment everything in the world is going so right. You don't really care about the bad things from your past or the uncertainties of the future, all that matters is the moment. For some reason, I only get little glimmers of that feeling, and only once in a while. It's like seeing nothing but black and trying to open your eyes really hard until you're kinda tearing up, just to see any light... a shimmer, anything.

But recently, or it seems the past couple months, mine feelings can be caught in these few words,

Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I’m dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

I feel like I can't handle friendships. I just begin to fade and despite me wanting to do something, I find it so difficult to fight my awkwardness. I can't seem to relate to anyone at the moment and I feel kinda transient and pointless. When I want to make a change for the better, I notice things that signal that my efforts are futile and bleak. I want so much to see some glimmer of hope, something to spark me up, to keep me from fading but I'm tired of false hope.

I suck at blogging

Wow. It's been a while since I've posted here. I've been so busy lately, I don't know what to do with myself. Today was my birthday. It was alright...aside from the lame school part. My awesome friend from Illinois, Lauren, sent me these wickedly good cookies that I've been gorging on. I think I'm addicted.

I've decided to try a new approach to my blogging. Fuck trying to teach life lessons in every (what was it only 3 or 4?) post. I'm gonna try for the Vardaman approach from As I Lay Dying... a nice set of stream of conscious thoughts...organized for your reading (dis)pleasure.

I certainly hope tomorrow isn't as stressful today but I secretly know it will be. Oh and my mother is a fish.

Fourteen

hours of studying later, and I feel no more well versed in the feminist approaches to technology nor the implementation of a good system design. It seems from this point on in the semester, there really is not much room to fool around. I need to become completely focused and get my work done. But what is "getting my work done"? It seems these days college is very task-oriented in the sense that one only strives to complete a checklist. Before I started any of my homework today, I had to make a list to organize myself. I relished in the sensation of finishing another assignment off that list. However, I seem to feel more accomplished in finishing the list than in completely learning anything. It almost makes the day feel like it had no purpose.

I've seen this approach taken in some form by some of my friends. Well save the actual list part (since I seem to be the only organization freak). Often, I notice my friends will attempt to memorize material in a way that facilitates easy vomiting back onto a ScanTron or composition paper. They are not really trying to learn the subject; they are really learning how to pass tests. And well, this does not anger me or anything but I feel that college can be such a waste of money if you do not fully apply yourself to the material.

Sure, feminism in relation to technology can be rather dry, but understanding the mindset of people is rather intriguing. Seeing the world through other people's eyes can create a more balanced view. I'm going to review my material again tomorrow in hopes of expanding my mind, not just shortening my list.

I swim for brighter days...

...despite the absence of sun.

I really can't describe how powerful this lyric is to me. Whenever I'm feeling pretty down, music is able to lift me up. Whether it be playing a couple notes of nonsense on the piano or just listening to some Coldplay or Jack's, music is a pretty powerful tool. It can change your outlook on a gloomy day; it can give you something worth fighting for. It can make you believe that all the ugliness in the world can be wiped away with a single note.

It's one of those few things in life that is purely beautiful in it's own. We truly take advantage of the sensations our ears provide. Just pause once and a while and listen to your surroundings. You'll probably discover that the earth and all of it's inhabitants are serenading you in a chaotic yet controlled ballad. It might be hard to hear at first, but keep listening, the music is out there.

21

days until I'm 21. It sure is a milestone to many. What does it mean to me? I can finally drink alcohol legally? I guess there's something special in that... but really there seems to be no thrill in turning 21. I sure am not expecting the world to stop for me. When the birthdays of some people roll around, they believe everyone must hold their breath until they blow out the candles on their cake. But in reality the world carries on business as usual. We really are pretty insignificant.

I apologize for the lack of elaboration... there's a million things running through my mind at the moment.