Ever have those ups and downs?

Those feelings that one moment everything in the world is going so right. You don't really care about the bad things from your past or the uncertainties of the future, all that matters is the moment. For some reason, I only get little glimmers of that feeling, and only once in a while. It's like seeing nothing but black and trying to open your eyes really hard until you're kinda tearing up, just to see any light... a shimmer, anything.

But recently, or it seems the past couple months, mine feelings can be caught in these few words,

Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I’m dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

I feel like I can't handle friendships. I just begin to fade and despite me wanting to do something, I find it so difficult to fight my awkwardness. I can't seem to relate to anyone at the moment and I feel kinda transient and pointless. When I want to make a change for the better, I notice things that signal that my efforts are futile and bleak. I want so much to see some glimmer of hope, something to spark me up, to keep me from fading but I'm tired of false hope.

I suck at blogging

Wow. It's been a while since I've posted here. I've been so busy lately, I don't know what to do with myself. Today was my birthday. It was alright...aside from the lame school part. My awesome friend from Illinois, Lauren, sent me these wickedly good cookies that I've been gorging on. I think I'm addicted.

I've decided to try a new approach to my blogging. Fuck trying to teach life lessons in every (what was it only 3 or 4?) post. I'm gonna try for the Vardaman approach from As I Lay Dying... a nice set of stream of conscious thoughts...organized for your reading (dis)pleasure.

I certainly hope tomorrow isn't as stressful today but I secretly know it will be. Oh and my mother is a fish.